What! No Tea and Scones?

This important discovery needs to be circulated as widely as possible - especially before the next elections are held.

NEW ELEMENT

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has

• 1 neutron
• 25 assistant neutrons
• 88 deputy neutrons
• and 198 assistant deputy neutrons,

giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalized with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

(swiped from the Fountain Pen Network posting by rogerb)

Yesterday, I was called to do a stint as a trainer. The audience was a group of 25 or so managers from one of the Big-5 local universities. The topic was “Management in the IT era”. Looking through the module, I discovered that “effective communication” was an area that I had to cover. And judging from the initial responses I got from the group, I knew I was in for one bumpy ride. Here’s a memorable episode:

One of the participants was a certain Puan Bedah. She was a no-nonsense, headmistress type person who wore her hair in a non-nonsense bun. She looked the picture of efficiency in her grey flannel suit with a pair of gold-rimmed reading glasses perched on the bridge of her nose. I had no doubt at all in my mind about her competence as a manager. I sensed she had a sense of humour, too.However, her command of English may have been a little wanting.

“I would like you to see me as a coach rather than a lecturer” I started. “I prefer not to lecture. If I lectured, this would happen: I talk, you sleep“

“Or, if too boring, we sleep together!” Puan Bedah chimed-in, bursting with innocent enthusiasm.

Huh?

“I appreciate the offer, ma’am! But, if I weren’t already married… “, it took a while for my evil grin to disappear.

I knew what she really meant to say. But I just couldn’t help myself.

I was watching Henry and Terri in action in the “Amazing Race Asia”. How she treats him immediately makes me think of this short poem by Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming

with love in a loving cup

When you’re wrong, admit it

When you’re right, shut up!

I guess, in a cruel twist of evolutionary fate, our balls have shriveled up into raisins. Maybe I’ll just have to go out and buy myself a skirt or something.

And to think that this Henry guy was a Chief Petty Officer in the US Navy, no less. The future is bleak guys. Very bleak!

I had an overwhelming urge to write the other day. However, when I got to my desk, I found that, no matter how hard I tried, I could think of nothing to write about. ABSOLTELY NOTHING!

If you’ve ever found yourself in this position, start up your trusty old Firefox browser and google the phrase “writing prompt”. You’ll be directed to hundred of sites that will generate, at the click of a button, hundreds of ideas you could write about. This is the easy part. The hard part, however, is choosing from the flood of ideas spewing from these ‘prompt generators’.

I decided not to trawl through all the ideas in an effort to find one that I actually liked. After all, where was the challenge in writing about something I knew I could write about? Instead, I went back to the first one that I saw: “My 10 Greatest Joys”. Despite the anxiety I felt - words like ‘great’ and ‘joy’ seldom appear in my life - I decided go ahead anyway and take the pain like a man. So here’s my first piece of writing based on the suggestion made by a prompt generator. My 10 greatest joys; in no particular order of importance.

1. Jamming with my Fender Telecaster - Strung with a fresh set of D’Addario XL Red light-gauge strings and retro-fitted with a rosewood fingerboard, the venerable Telecaster is a piece of guitar heaven - especially when run through a vintage Mesa Boogie valve amplifier. I happen to like this set-up because it makes my playing sound a lot better that it really is. Add to this a couple of like-minded friends who can lay down a decent 12-bar blues progression, I’ve got I made!

Optional: A few good joints of hashish and a bottle of Southern Comfort

2. A stay at the E&O Hotel, Penang - This isn’t just a holiday, its trip in a time-machine back to the time when Somerset Maugham actually stayed there. Every time I am there, I could swear that Mr Maugham was staying in the very next room. I’ve never met him, though.

Optional: A butler named Miles who will attend to all my needs. Well, ALMOST all my needs, OK? I’m as straight as they come!

3. A good breakfast - This will comprise of 2 beautifully browned toasts, heaps of real butter, a jar of freshly made thick-cut English marmalade and an endless supply of Darjeeling English Breakfast tea.

Optional: Free-range eggs over easy and the day’s copy of the Daily Telegraph.

4. Writing with my Lamy 2000 fountain pen - Writing with this Bauhaus-inspired (read: minimalist) pen is a sensual and personal experience that is perhaps second only to sex. Its 14 carat, oblique medium gold nib flexes just the right amount and speaks to me in a language no one else can understand (or so I would like to think). Loaded with Diamine’s Emerald ink (made in Liverpool, of all places), the Lamy 2000 never fails to give me multiple writing orgasms.

Optional: A box of personalised Amalfi handmade writing paper. I know, they cost almost a much as a small car, but no harm in trying, right?

5. Spending time with my sons - OK, they may not be the well-behaved, good-looking, and over-achieving offspring that almost everybody else seems to have. They are far from perfect. But they are MY imperfect sons, warts and all: And love them to bits. I get a big kick when the eldest, a strapping 19 year old lad, tries to hide a hickey from me or when the 4-year old asks me to get him a ‘gangster’ when he actually means a ‘hamster’.

Optional: No need for anything else here.

6. A good dinner - I’m no ‘foodie’ or fine-dining snob, but I do enjoy a good dinner; especially if it is in company of people I appreciate. The location and the menu aren’t really as important as the conversation and interplay of emotions and ideas between the people sitting at the table. We don’t have to talk about the latest development in Super String Theory or how screwed-up the government is as long as we can appreciate each other for who we are. Often, this is best said only with the eyes.

Optional: A good Cognac and a plump, moist Monte Cristo Nos. 4 cigar afterwards

7. Smoking - This is not politically-correct nowadays nor is it very commendable. But light-up a Benson & Hedges with me over a ‘teh tark’ and I’ll be your friend for life. I know that I will quit tobacco altogether some day. However, I don’t think that day is going to be tomorrow.

Optional: A deck chair on a verandah of the E&O that’s facing the sea.

8. Watching Casablanca - I keep watching this movie over and over again. No matter how often I watch it, it is always the airport scene when Rick Blaine says to Isla Lund, “Where I’ve got to go, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of…” that gets me. Watch the scene again and tell me you don’t agree with me.

Optional: Angelina Jolie, with her head on my lap for the entire duration of the movie. (Shhhh! Brad doesn’t have to know,OK?)

9. A freshly laundered, crisp, white shirt - The feel of a clean white cotton shirt on my skin after an invigorating shower and a splash of Brut is pretty hard to beat: even Jessica Alba would have a tough time getting it off of me the minute I finish buttoning it up. I don’t know about two minutes later, though

Optional: A Hermes necktie. Why? So that Ms Alba wouldn’t be so totally naked.

10. Nordin Ahmad movies - Insanely courageous, indefatigably proud, deeply articulate, and unwavering in his convictions. Noordin Ahmad is the quintessential classical Malay male. In a way, the characters he plays - Damak in Seri Mersing, for example - are symbols of the good things the Malay culture has to offer. Whether this is a good thing, of course, depends on what you like (or dislike) about the Malay culture. Cultural differences aside, they simply don’t make men like Noodin Ahmad anymore.

Optional: A mirror: It tells me I’m nothing like Noordin Ahmad (PAH!)

***

It appears that this is fertile ground for a tag. So, I am tagging my friends Elviza, JT, Ruby, Cipan, Cakapaje (of Talk Only), Blabarella and Ectopy to do this tag (if they feel so inclined). The tag is: “My 10 Greatest Joys”

Everybody else is also welcome to give it a try, too.

“Bullsh*t!” stormed Hisham. “It’s not worth it. No amount of money is worth this crap!” he cried as he slammed a stack of files on his table.

I then spent the next 10 minutes listening to him rant about how much his boss was stressing him out. Hisham’s diatribe got so vitriolic that he began stressing me out, too; nothing that a few cycles of karate-breathing couldn’t handle, though. When he was done, he stormed out of the office, none too pleased that he was unable to solicit the expected response - whatever that might have been - from me. It wasn’t that I did not empathise with him. I did. But at that point, there was nothing I could have said to him that would have done any good. So, what was the point?

Stressed? Really? Let’s think about this for a moment. Two things come to mind: Either he lacks the competence for the job, or he feels that his workload is not commensurate to his compensation package. Of course, there’s no of finding out which one is the culprit, at least, not without offending him. So I sat there and continued my karate-breathing while waiting for him to cool-off and come back.

“It’s really not worth it. No matter how you look at it” Hisham tried to explain when he finally returned to his desk. He was obviously much calmer than he had been 10 minutes ago. “I mean, there’s only so much a person can do. I’m not Superman. I’ve never made myself out to be one” he continued.

“All we can do is our best, Hisham. Beyond that…” I offered.

“Try explaining that to the fire-breathing dragon in there” said Hisham, referring to his boss.

Finally, we managed to get down to business. When I left Hsham, I could not help but think that perhaps he was over-reacting to the demands made by his fire-breathing dragon. After all, I do know he is getting paid well over RM10K a month. So, what was his problem? For that kind of money, my boss could be slinging abuses at me until Singapore actually treated Malaysia like a sovereign state and I wouldn’t be any worse for the privilege.

If I sound judgemental, then it’s probably because I am being judgemental. I guess for Hisham, the pain of the stress is just more than the pleasure of receiving over RM10K every month. I guess we come from two very different places. And to be fair, this doesn’t make him worse than me; only different.

Not too long ago, if someone had given me RM10, my first question would have been: “Who do I have to kill?” And I meant that quite literally! Things were that bad at the time. I guess the pain of being poor still registers too vividly in my mind. Being poor is still worse than being verbally abused or stressed-out.

But of course, my going price isn’t RM10 anymore.