Please Hear Us Out

Over the years, I have more or less surmised that the problem with man-woman relationships is that the woman component (when it suits her) expects the man component to think and behave as if he were a woman. Any deviation from this paradigm brings about accusations of gross insensitivity, brute-force male-chauvinism and–the worse of the lot–cries of “You don’t love me anymore!”

Frankly, none of the above should apply (or even be considered in the first place). It’s simply a case of differing DNA: men don’t think (or act) like women–no matter how much you would like them to. This failing–if one can even call it that–is not a crime; it should never be treated as one. Millions of years of evolutionary and/or cellular development have made us different from each other; and chances are we will remain so till the universe collapses into a singularity.

I’ve struggled for a long time to find the words to express this idea; I have always failed. Then today, I receive an e-mail from my sister that sums it all up pretty well. I think it’s one of those things that have been circulating in the Internet for yonks. Regardless, it is so succinct, so insightful and so accurate that I’d like to share it here.

So here it is:

TO MY OTHER HALF

We always hear ‘the rules ‘ from the female side, now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note. These are all numbered ‘1 ‘ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon, or the changing of the tides: let it be. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail! It won’t work anymore.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work, strong hints do not work and obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. We are not your girlfriends! We do not express sympathy very well–at least, not how you understand it.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways–and one of the ways makes you sad or angry–we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or, tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say WHATEVER you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors: like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing’, we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine: Really!

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cricket, golf or fountain pens. [Note: The last item--fountain pens--was my own addition]

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Thank you for reading this.

So there you have it, folks!