The first time I fell in love, it was with two women at the same time. I never saw a need to have to choose between them and carried on accordingly. I’d hook-up with one every Thursday night and the other, every Saturday night. Each session in my living room would last about 30 minutes. Though this was never enough, the end of every session left me smiling like an idiot and throbbing for more. Next week, on Thursday, I’d tune in to ‘I Dream of Genie’ and there she’d be – the object of my fantasies – Ms Barbara Eden. On Saturdays, it was ‘The Avengers’ with Ms Diana Rigg (now Dame Diana). I was only six then, OK? How was I supposed to know you weren’t supposed to fall in love with a woman who only appeared in your living room via the television screen once a week?
I fell in love with Dame Diana Rigg the very first time I laid eyes on her. For the life of me, I could never figure out what the duck she was doing with someone like Patrick McNee as her constant companion. They were like a match made in hell. She was slender, beautiful and demure while he was… er… anything but. It was then (at age six) that I learnt my first lesson about life: Life ain’t fair!
Dame Diana Rigg
But I also learnt another important lesson: Beautiful women had a tendency to fall for Englishmen. Perhaps, its the accent. Maybe its the demeanour. I don’t know. But it was clear to me that all the beautiful women went ga-ga whenever an Englishman was in the vicinity. Perhaps this is why, to this day, I still have a bowler hat tucked away in a closet. Hey, don’t blame me for being an Anglophile – this is all Dame Diana Rigg’s fault!
Then, on Thursday nights, it was Barbara Eden in ‘I Dream of Genie’. There was no doubt I was in love with her, too – but in a different way. Truth be told, it was while watching Ms Eden on Thursday nights that I discovered another fascinating fact of life: Women had breasts! And what a wonderful thing breasts were! To this day, I still haven’t gotten over that discovery I made 39 years ago.
See what I mean? Before Ms Eden came along, breasts were just breasts (I was still six, OK?). But after she entered the picture, breast were no longer just the wobbly bits that women had on their chest: breasts became works of art that are meant to be appreciated, admired and… er… never mind. In any case, it was clear to me that I’d never see women in the same light again. In my eyes, there was only Dame Diana Rigg and Ms Barbara Eden; no other came even close.
Then, a horrible thing happened. ‘The Avengers’ and ‘I Dream of Genie’ ended their run and was replaced by some other stupid programme. Life wasn’t the same for me any more. But this didn’t last very long. Soon enough, I discovered Jane Fonda (of Barbarella fame), Elizabeth Montgomery (Bewitched) and a bevy of other beauties including Christine Hakim, Noor Azizah and Sarimah. But through it all, I never forgot Dame Diana Rigg and my beloved Barbara Eden. They surely don’t make women they way they used to anymore.
And as I grew older, I finally realised that falling in love with an image on the TV screen was just not on. Eventually, I discovered the real thing and started having relationships with real women (for a change). Of course, this was both good and bad. It was good because, like Coke, they were the real thing. It was bad because I soon discovered that women carried several genes that compelled them to kick their male companions in the teeth whenever an opportunity presented itself: The nicer the male companion treated them, the harder they are to kick the poor sod. Fellow males who have not yet discovered this law of nature do not have to take my word for it – you’ll discover it first hand soon enough. But I digress…
So, now 39 years older, I still think of my two first loves every once in a while – and hope that Astro (or anybody) would do re-runs ‘The Avengers’ and ‘I Dream of Genie’ soon. After all, Dame Diana Rigg and Ms Eden have never kicked me in the teeth (or anywhere else, for that matter), ever! That ought to count for something…