There is a friend who maps out his life using the women he was bonking at any particular time as milestones. So, when he speaks of the time he was with Sherry or June, then I know he is talking about his upper secondary school days. But when she speaks of the Shanti era, then I know he is referring to a period circa 1982. You get the idea, right? The periods of his life are earmarked according to whichever woman he was having a jolly good time with. And this guy had quite a few milestones mapping out his life.
Being substantially less good-looking and far lacking in the social graces than my friend, I am unable to segment my life in this manner. Conceivably, though, I could perhaps do it his way, too. But if I did, my milestones would be whichever woman it was who was having a jolly good time kicking me in the teeth at any particular time. Slightly sad, but mostly true.
Back to the matter at hand. If I were to identify one of my earliest milestones, it would probably be Ultraman. This is NOT because I was bonking Ultraman at the time but because during this era, my life literally revolved around Ultraman. If it – whatever ‘it’ was – didn’t have anything to do with Ultraman, then I’d have nothing to do with it either. Life was simple back then. Then again, I was maybe only 5 at the time.
After that, things got a bit blurry for awhile. The next milestone in my life was probably the ‘Unlikely Detective’. This one harks back to the seventies when there was a spate of detective series featuring detectives with some sort of disability. Doesn’t ring a bell yet? Think of Ironside (wheel chair bound), Cannon (insane Body Mass Index), Barnaby Jones (geriatric), Longstreet (blind) and you’ll get the picture. This was the period when I wanted to grow up to be a detective. Since all the good detectives all had some kind of disability, I even seriously thought of doing myself in with some sort of injury so that I would acquire a suitable disability. This disability will then enable me to achieve greatness as s detective. Beat that!
The next milestone is probably the cliche-est of the lot: The ‘Beautiful Woman’ milestone. During tis period, my world was ruled by Pam Dauber, Victoria Principal, Morgan Fairchild, Veronica Hamel and Connie Seleca to name a few. This, of course, is a recurring milestone and will be revisited in a later post.
This was quickly followed the ‘Macho Crap’ milestone. Not much explanation is needed here except to say that during this period, Stallone, Bruce Willis, Bruce Lee, Jean-Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal and Noordin Ahmad reigned supreme. It should also come as no surprise to learn that this era closely coincided with my stint as a bouncer at a karaoke club.
But as I get older, I find that my heroes are no longer uber-hunks who can kick and punch their way out of any adverse situation but rather, an unlikely group of males who are dominating an area of life that is generally accepted to be the domain of women – cooking! Nowadays, while I do occasionally enjoy a Charles Bronson or John Wayne flick, more likely than not, I’d rather be watching Bobby Chin or Andrew Zimmern blazing the culinary trail. I guess the milestone I am at now is the ‘Charismatic Chef’ milestone.
Have I gotten soft and effeminate in my old age? Maybe. But if you doubt I still have the sufficient level of testosterone coursing through my body, have a look at who sits atop my culinary pedestal. Yep, she’s none other than the satisfying mouthful of goodness in a D-cup: Nigella Lawson!
Honestly, wouldn’t you want to have this dish on your dinner table?