Womanspeak Phrasebook

Over the years, I’ve learnt to speak Malay, English, and some Cantonese (for when I want to be rude). I’ve even picked up a little Tamil here and there. However, the greatest challenge has been learning a language I call ‘Womanspeak’ i.e. that language women use when they want to communicate (or try to). After 46 years, I’ll admit I haven’t picked-up much. But here I’ll share a bit of what I’ve learnt (the hard way) so that the less initiated man out there will not have to go through the pain that most of us who are more experienced have gone through. I don’t know if it will help, but here’s a go at it:

Womanspeak: I’m worried.

Translation: You’d better solve this problem for me. Or else!

***

Womanspeak: Where shall be have dinner tonight?

Translation: You’d better come up with the answer I have in mind. Or else!

***

Womanspeak: I love you.

Translation: I really do – until someone better comes along, of course.

***

Womanspeak: Money means nothing to me.

Translation: Money means EVERYTHING to me.

***

Womanspeak: But this is YOUR responsibility.

Translation: Even if it isn’t, I CAN’T (or WON’T) deal with this. You deal with it!

***

Womanspeak: Who was that on the ‘phone, dear?

Translation: So, you’re you have a mistress now, do you? You typical useless male!

***

Womanspeak: I wasn’t screaming at you.

Translation: You better not pursue this or I’ll scream even HARDER at you.

***

Womanspeak: Let’s discuss what we’ll do about this, OK?.

Translation: Do this MY way, you fool!

***

Womanspeak: You’re the man in this relationship, please decide!

Translation: The moment you do, I’ll have somebody to blame!

***

Womanspeak: He’s just a colleague at work

Translation: That’s all I’m telling you. The rest, I’ll keep to myself.

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12 thoughts on “Womanspeak Phrasebook

  1. hi bro MB,

    nampak sangat selalu kena sampai boleh buat “direct translation”.

    coming from a wife pun dah cukup sakit but coming from all 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. oh oh oh, perit sekali dong! hahahahaha!

  2. [digital]

    Like the old P Ramlee song goes:

    Beginilah nasib,
    diriku yang malang… Oh Tuhan,
    tak boleh bersenang lenang,
    Berehat sekejap, isteri dah meradang,
    kerja berat, takut reput tulang,

    Oh, well… just grin, bear it and think of England, old sport!

  3. If I may add dear…

    Womanspeak: You are the Captain of this Ship, why does a sailor like me get the blame?

    Translation: You gutless man! Dont try to blame me when something goes wrong, even if it was my decision to do so in the first place.

    Womanspeak: I don’t have money.

    Translation: No way in hell I am telling you how much I have and now just give me whatever you have there in your wallet.

    🙂 Oh no, I’ve betrayed the sisterhood. Okay2 enough. No need to tell them more.

  4. One more please?

    Womanspeak: I am not speaking to you!

    Translation: you might as well be dead and done with for good. Go pick your tombstone right now

  5. [elviza]

    This translation thing is hilarious, isn’t it, ma’am? We’re not hurting anyone – just poking some fun at ourselves.

    But it wasn’t so funny for me when I was on the receiving end, tho…

    BTW, no… you haven’t betrayed the sisterhood: men aren’t the enemy (at least, not all men… )

  6. Salah tu…sebenarnya macam ni…

    Womanspeak: Who was on the phone, dear?

    Translation: You’re not supposed to answer any calls at home…

    He..he..he…

  7. May I say something to Elviza?
    Hi sis.. you are not betraying anyone. I wish I had some examples to add to this but I cannot come up with any.

    MB, you are right. Men are not the enemy. But some have proven that they belong to anywhere else but this earth. 😀
    I do pity most guys sometimes because most women are hard to read and understand. But it is our differences that makes life so much fun.

  8. [JT]

    You’ve hit the spot, ma’am. Its the differences that makes life interesting – and also very frustrating. I find it ‘amusing’ that women seem to think that it is their birth-right to keep changing their minds or not being able to decide on something as mundane as what to wear.

    Women probably find it equally amusing that men seem to think its their birthright to pick their noses or scratch their b*lls in public.

    [sheryl]

    Hi, ma’am. Yes, its the differences that make the difference. Its the differences that matter.

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