Lately, I think my life has reinvented itself into a country song – you know, the kind of song where the singer’s dog gets run down by the school bus; his mother accidentally burns down his house (while he is still in it); his girlfriend finds out he isn’t really that hot after all and runs off with their pet orang-utan; and the love of his life, his 1975 Honda CB550 motorcycle, is stolen (by the orang-utan).
So what does he do? He pulls out his Fender Telecaster guitar to sing away his blues – and immediately get electrocuted when he plugs the jack into the amplifier. This, incidentally, starts another fire. When the fire brigade (quaint colonial expression, eh?) arrive, they break down his door with great big axes – only to find out that it wasn’t locked in the first place. And when they start to douse the flames with their humongous hoses, they half-drown hapless cowboy.
The ambulance arrives in the nick of time and carts him off to the nearest hospital – but not before they run over the carcass of his dead dog (which is now sticking to the ambulance’s right rear tyre). He is duly admitted only to find that his doctor is the woman who used to stalk him a la ‘Fatal Attraction’ all those years ago. After the operation, his discovers that his vision is slightly impeded by something dangling from his forehead – it is his penis.
This forces him to wear a ski hat. At the elevator, he finds himself face to face with Angelina Jolie. His vision improves somewhat but now he looks curiously like a unicorn. Ms Jolie finally realises what the protrusion on his forehead actually is, and immediately calls the police. Miraculously, he manages to escape a baton charge and seeks refuge at a Chinese herbalist’s shop.
The herbalist is very kind. He makes sure that the cowboy is comfortable and then quietly goes to the kitchen. However, he comes out expertly swinging a cleaver. With one accurate swipe, the herbalist now possesses what he has sought all his life – a unicorn’s horn.
At the pearly gates he is told that Heaven is full up. They then proceed to send him to that other place…
Have you ever had one of these days? What do you do when this happens?
Just as I was about to say goodbye to the cruel world, I came across Sakmongkol’s posting in which he (and several commenters) had some kind words to say about Bangkai. After reading it, I reassessed by plans about doing my base jump (sans parachute) from the 24th floor.
I know – some would call this a shame but…
Morale of the story? The nice thing you say (or write) today about someone might someday just save his life.
Thanks Sakmongkol (and gang). I needed someone on my side today…