Like A Country Song

Lately, I think my life has reinvented itself into a country song – you know, the kind of song where the singer’s dog gets run down by the school bus; his mother accidentally burns down his house (while he is still in it); his girlfriend finds out he isn’t really that hot after all and runs off with their pet orang-utan; and the love of his life, his 1975 Honda CB550 motorcycle, is stolen (by the orang-utan).

So what does he do? He pulls out his Fender Telecaster guitar to sing away his blues – and immediately get electrocuted when he plugs the jack into the amplifier. This, incidentally, starts another fire. When the fire brigade (quaint colonial expression, eh?) arrive, they break down his door with great big axes – only to find out that it wasn’t locked in the first place. And when they start to douse the flames with their humongous hoses, they half-drown hapless cowboy.

The ambulance arrives in the nick of time and carts him off to the nearest hospital – but not before they run over the carcass of his dead dog (which is now sticking to the ambulance’s right rear tyre). He is duly admitted only to find that his doctor is the woman who used to stalk him a la ‘Fatal Attraction’ all those years ago. After the operation, his discovers that his vision is slightly impeded by something dangling from his forehead – it is his penis.

This forces him to wear a ski hat. At the elevator, he finds himself face to face with Angelina Jolie. His vision improves somewhat but now he looks curiously like a unicorn. Ms Jolie finally realises what the protrusion on his forehead actually is, and immediately calls the police. Miraculously, he manages to escape a baton charge and seeks refuge at a Chinese herbalist’s shop.

The herbalist is very kind. He makes sure that the cowboy is comfortable and then quietly goes to the kitchen. However, he comes out expertly swinging a cleaver. With one accurate swipe, the herbalist now possesses what he has sought all his life – a unicorn’s horn.

At the pearly gates he is told that Heaven is full up. They then proceed to send him to that other place…

Have you ever had one of these days? What do you do when this happens?

Just as I was about to say goodbye to the cruel world, I came across Sakmongkol’s posting in which he (and several commenters) had some kind words to say about Bangkai. After reading it, I reassessed by plans about doing my base jump (sans parachute) from the 24th floor.

I know – some would call this a shame but…

Morale of the story? The nice thing you say (or write) today about someone might someday just save his life.

Thanks Sakmongkol (and gang). I needed someone on my side today…

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18 thoughts on “Like A Country Song

  1. I wasn’t about to make a comment being quite happy at this early hour to just enjoy a quiet read of your latest post until you mentioned AK47. I must say that but for Sakmongkol’s post on your most excellent physics-politics-satire people like me would have missed the enjoyment of your writings. So, kudos to him. Further kudos to him for having saved you from a potentially hazardous urban parachuting adventure.

    CT Choo

    Always good to have you around – with or without comments. Yeah, thanks to Sakmongkol, the cleaning crew at my apartment complex has been saved a messy clean-up job. Kudos to Sakmongkol!

  2. dear mat, untill you wrote the cakapaje, i wonder where you have been. my other half has been pestering me about yr 3rd part of the blue bench. i said i dont know what happens.
    but glad you are now back. as you can see you now have a number of fans- people before who did not pay much attention to fiction writings.
    reading the first few passages of yr current writing, we and i get the impression, plus the silhouette figure in this blog, that this mb, cuts a lonely figure.
    there are many who like, love and appreciate you mb.
    with kind regards/sakmongkol

    Sakmongkol

    Thank you very much for your kind words. When one’s world is fast crumbling into an unrecognisable pathetic heap around one’s ankles, it is almost unbelievable how much good a kind word or two can do.

    Yes, currently Bangkai cuts a very lonely figure: He’s caught in a very bad place right now. But not to worry. With his stiff upper-lip and a carnation in his lapel, he’ll bounce back.

  3. i feel you bruv. everyday after i wake up i tell myself “i rule” and give myself a high five just so i could live another day, and so the shells would stay in the shotgun.

    Penyangak

    “…so the shells would stay in the shotgun.. ” brilliant phrase, Penyangak! Absolutely, deliciously and provocatively brilliant. I envy you for coming up with that one, bro!

  4. hahahahah……lu ni mamak ada-ada aje

    ok what Lobo me and you and the dog name BOO

    Pak Tuo

    Yeah, bro… I’m having a Tequila Sunrise moment right now.

  5. Kid me not, please. Come here, sit by this old lady’s side… Let’s savour our Earl Grey/Darjeeling/Assam or whatever takes your fancy..:)

    Puteri Kamaliah

    Darjeeling will be wonderful. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that your experience and wisdom will do me even more good.

  6. Wohooo!You’re back!Sedapnya baca your blog..macam baru pergi facial!So refreshing and temporarily younger looking…smiling away masa I was reading one line to the next!You’re very entertaining my friend!My house ada tea and Malaysian scones for you anytime!

    Mamasita

    Thank you, ma’am.

    Considering your hubby saved my life, I will be deeply honoured to be sitting in your living room, sipping tea and nibbling on scones.

  7. Are you ok?

    (I think this is going to be a pattern comment from me, asking the same question)

    Azlin

    Yes, ma’am. I’m OK (now). Thanks for asking.

  8. Be well, Mr Bangkai…think of the good things…surely there must be some worth living for.

    Mumsie

    Is OK, ma’am. I was only speaking figuratively – not literally 🙂

    I appreciate your kind thoughts, tho.

  9. MB, in my country song, I take the Circle line and discover that it is going the other way round. Leave the station to find that it is the other side of London that is so unfamiliar to me, ask for direction and was given the merry go round. Try to take the train back but my Oyster Card had run out of credit.

    Hope your Circle line takes you back to where you want to be.

    Kak Teh

    You mean the Circle Line does this to other people, too? I thought I was the only one; the solitary victim of some mean London Underground conspiracy 🙂

    Right now I don’t know where my Circle Line is going. But something tells me I’ll end up where I want to be – in the end. Just hope it comes sooner.

    Thanks for th thought, ma’am

  10. Mat,

    Every time the tides of the world turn against me, I hide from human bias eyes in my reclusive secret tree-house.

    I could lend you the place if you want.

    Elviza

    Really? That would be nice.

  11. Hello Kak Teh, life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time and sometimes we cry.
    Love your this posting, sure made me smile reading it….
    To me….life was wonderful up to 16 where there’s a place on my birthday cake for the candles…but today, no birthday cake big enough for the candles, or it will cave in with the weight of the candles….
    Ohhh well…live life with no excuses, love with no regrets.

    You keep well Kak Teh and have a great week, best regards, Lee.

  12. errrr, uncle lee, why laaa you leave comment for me at Mat Bangkai’s? you salah naik tube kut. or you took the circle line and ended up in the wrong direction like me.. anyway, thanks.

  13. I don’t know whether getting the dangling thingy chopped off is worst than this. The DPM said that we are not in recession but I’m flat broke. And to make things worse, Nadal lost in Madrid, my Ana lost in Zurich and I got to wait another two weeks to see Hamilton crash in Brazil.

    The Last Gig

    I guess losing the dangly bits isn’t too bad – for those who don’t get to use it except only to pee 🙂

  14. mat bangkai…

    You are the right guy who stepped on the right train that’s going in the right direction and as you keep on being strong as what you are now. You’ll always be in the heart of Him. I always have faith in you.

    Azah

    Thanks, ma’am

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