Caring for Your Balls

In the days when I wrote opensource programmes for my β€˜roti canai and teh tarik’, I recall hardly ever using the mouse at all. None of us would be caught dead using a mouse: opensource programmers worth their salt did stuff by writing obscure command-lines and intricate code directly onto the keyboard – preferably at blinding speed. Getting us to use a mouse was like getting a hardcore mountain biker to fit a pair of dainty training wheels to his twenty-thousand ringgit beryllium-framed bike. It just wasn’t done. Mice and training wheels were strictly for sissies.

This, of course, brings me to an article I once read on the Internet. It concerned a memo written by an IT engineer addressing the problem his company had with their mice (of computer peripheral variety). To put things into context, this memo was written before optical mice came on the scene. It was the time when mice were fitted with trackballs on their undersides (remember those?). I have taken the liberty of reproducing the memo here (words in parentheses are my comments):

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit.) Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. (Really? Can I please have a replacement?)

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. (This is good to know)

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. (Both methods sound painful, mate!)

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. (This is what usually happens, excessive handling notwithstanding)

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. (Yippee!)

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. (I will do all I can to keep the customers happy. I promise)

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. (He/she will always have a replacement pair handy)

Hmmm… sounds like this can well be applied to single men as well. Why only single men? Because married men don’t need ball replacement: They are like optical mice – there are no balls to replace πŸ™‚

I will end with a quote from Zsa ZSa Gabor:

“A man is not complete until he is married. Once he gets married, he is finished.”

20 thoughts on “Caring for Your Balls

  1. Mat!Let me complete sikit what Zsa Zsa Gabor should have also said!Once he gets married,hes finished.Once hes finished,the wife cries.Why?Because the balls are seldom are at home!Most of the time hes having a ‘ball’ outside!Well?True tak?hehe


    Ah! The perennial lament of almost every wife. There is of course truth in this, but not in all cases, tho.

    I shall reply (perhaps representing almost every husband’s lament) by quoting a British comedian, Les Dawson: “My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects!”


  2. mb,

    like m2, i totally disagree with la gabor.

    but unlike m2, it’s for a different reason.

    i consider my husband a work-in-progress, you see.

    the poor pet probably wishes he’s finished though. ;D


    Hmmm… I think most wives see their hubbies as works in progress: We never seem to get anything right – ada aje yang tak kena πŸ™‚

    Betul tak?

  3. Errr….Les Dawson tu kelentong je Mat..With all the pretty,young chicks around,actually what he really2 wanted to say was “My wife says I am a sex object.Every time a gal asks for sex,I never object!”Tapi..dia pandai main politik!hehe


    Would you happen to be a lawyer, ma’am? πŸ™‚

  4. This is such a great post. And, to read it in the morning in the wake of another Wall Street plunge and Asian markets discovering new definitions for Einstein’s theories on gravity, is wonderful. I chuckled at every paragraph (cannot laugh too loud in the lounge…still early morning…family members will say that I’ve lost my marbles). In light of what Zsa Zsa and mamasita, I just realised to my despair that I’m in the “finished” category. Sob!


    That makes two of us, sir! But I think I’ve been ‘finished’ a few more times more than you, tho πŸ˜‰

  5. “married men don’t need ball replacement”

    If only that were true! I had to get one replaced. Not pleasant at all, let me tell ya.


    You mean this procedure really exists in the medical world? Wow!

    Even so, I don’t think this is something that one chooses, right? Kind of like a semi Bobbit-job in reverse, eh?

  6. Mat B, If you hang around the KLGCC karaoke lounge long enough, you will see a lot of SYTs, all of whom clamour for ageing, pot-bellied, balding men with balls – those round and white little things they keep losing in the rough and the pond .

    The SYTs are under the mistaken notion that these men-with-white- balls are their meal tickets to a better life. For these men however (we know because we happen to be their friends (sigh!), those SYTs are worth no more than a tube of dimpled white balls and perhaps a Japanese meal or two, before they (the SYTs) become meals for the groin-cupping & scratching men-with-white-balls.

    Sad, isn’t it…

    Puteri Kamaliah

    Me and my partner-in-crime, Mat Salo, are off to get ourselves some dimpled white balls.Next stop? KLGCC karaoke lounge *evil grin*

    BTW, I’ll be the one singing “As Time Goes By”. The guy next to me, with a great huge sack (pun intended) of white balls will be Mat Salo πŸ™‚

  7. Really? Kak Puteri – about the SYT’s in KLGCC? Hmm… Mat B and I will sell our our beryllium-framed mountain bikes costing 20 K apiece to raise40K to buy us membership. Is that enough? Dunno what the resale value of bikes in these trying times, but it’s worth a try.. anything for a go at SYT’s or PYTs. I’ll take either one… πŸ™‚

    A good friend of mine with a big house and a beautiful wife told me this story over a ngeteh session one day. He claimed in his younger days he couldn’t comprehend the appeal of dangdut bars; where pot bellied men with receding hairlines sway with girls young enough to be their daughters. He found the imagery – being boroi sidling up to stick-thin creatures – hideous. He swore it would never happen to him. Now ten years later he’s seen the light and is an avowed afficianado of the gerudi beat.

    So why the about face?

    “Ah, perot boroi mana laa syiok disko lompat macam kera lagi… Ini kan relaak. Goyang sikit sikit jer cukup ah…” (an proceeds to demonstrate a slow gyration to an imaginary beat.

    Hmm, bangkai. This is deep, really deep. Tell me what you think.

    P.S. My mouse is still of the trackball variety. I know it’s not hip, or what Indo’s call ‘kren’ . But will it hurt my chances with the SYTs you reckon?

    Mat Salo

    Where have you been, bro? Up to no good, I hope πŸ™‚

    You know what they say about men who use trackball mice, don’t you? They’ve got BALLS! But sadly (trackball or not) this has no impact on one’s chances with the SYTs.

    But I have it on good authority, however, that as far as SYTs are concerned, the size of a man’s balls is directly proportional to the size of his bank account. Thus, based on this logic, I’m about the size of half a raisin 😦

    Nonetheless, when are we going to Transview Golf to get ourselves some dimpled white balls?

  8. Hehehe …. talk about balling it up. You guys are ‘bad’! Btw, should you feel like a drink & a drone (as opposed to croon) and the chance to ogle an SYT or two, you know where to find me πŸ™‚

    Puteri Kamaliah

    Thanks for the invite, ma’am. I might just take you up on that.

    A coke and a song (or two) sounds good. But I’ll have to give the SYTs a pass, tho – I’m too old for that kind of thing. The heart may be willing (with a new pacemaker installed), but the flesh, sadly, is a bit too weak.

  9. mat salo, my husband has that boroi look and every now and then, he does that slow gyration at home.

    was he practising for his dangdut joints?

  10. Sir?I am not a lawyer thank you..just happen to be ‘law yel'(pronounced ‘loyal’?)hahaha..Thanks to your blog, I’m thinking of taking ‘gyrating classes’ and am thinking of going to the dangdut joints?Old ladies boleh masuk ker?Hehe


    Er… I’d advise against that course of action, ma’am. I’m afraid that the ‘boroi brigade’ will find you irresistible and start wooing you left, right and centre. I hardly want Sakmongkol to come gunning after me for being the instigator of this fiasco. I don’t fancy my chances in the ring with Sakmongkol – not for one blessed minute!

  11. MB: Yes, such a procedure exists. And no, it’s not something anyone would choose. The whole experience was nuts. But I had a ball. πŸ˜‰


    “The whole experience was nuts…”

    “But I had ball…”


  12. hi jordan,

    it takes some balls to talk about such a nutty experience. or in your case, one. πŸ˜‰

    btw, i once dated someone who also lost one of those precious. delighted to share that it didn’t diminish him in any way, not even his equilibrium.

    p.s. @ mat salo: hey ms, so nice running into you here! πŸ™‚

  13. Since mamasita mentioned it, maybe u n Mat Salo shud consider opening a dangdut joint exclusively for the ladies …

    … maybe heavily into tango or something like that.

    You’d like that, won’t you, mamasita?


    Hmmm… There’s an idea: going into business with Mat Salo, setting-up a dangdut that caters exclusively for the ladies. We’re on to something here, bro.

    This should keep Mat Salo’s hands full – in more ways than one!

  14. mb said to pak tuo… It usually takes balls to lie through one’s teeth. Do the math!

    i give up!

    i think i need to grow a brain to figure this one out.

    or balls… πŸ˜€


    It takes courage to pull-off a good lie, ma’am. And for politicians, lying it would seem, is a job requirement!

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