Caring for Your Balls

In the days when I wrote opensource programmes for my ‘roti canai and teh tarik’, I recall hardly ever using the mouse at all. None of us would be caught dead using a mouse: opensource programmers worth their salt did stuff by writing obscure command-lines and intricate code directly onto the keyboard – preferably at blinding speed. Getting us to use a mouse was like getting a hardcore mountain biker to fit a pair of dainty training wheels to his twenty-thousand ringgit beryllium-framed bike. It just wasn’t done. Mice and training wheels were strictly for sissies.

This, of course, brings me to an article I once read on the Internet. It concerned a memo written by an IT engineer addressing the problem his company had with their mice (of computer peripheral variety). To put things into context, this memo was written before optical mice came on the scene. It was the time when mice were fitted with trackballs on their undersides (remember those?). I have taken the liberty of reproducing the memo here (words in parentheses are my comments):

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit.) Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. (Really? Can I please have a replacement?)

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. (This is good to know)

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. (Both methods sound painful, mate!)

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. (This is what usually happens, excessive handling notwithstanding)

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. (Yippee!)

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. (I will do all I can to keep the customers happy. I promise)

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. (He/she will always have a replacement pair handy)

Hmmm… sounds like this can well be applied to single men as well. Why only single men? Because married men don’t need ball replacement: They are like optical mice – there are no balls to replace 🙂

I will end with a quote from Zsa ZSa Gabor:

“A man is not complete until he is married. Once he gets married, he is finished.”