One Ugly Pen: Pilot Vanishing Point

yellowvp2

Looking at my spanking new Pilot Vanishing Point fountain pen (and getting a hard-on all over again), I recall an old friend we nicknamed ‘Buta’. No, he is not blind; he just lives his life as if he were – at least, this is how it looked to the rest of us. Buta was (and I think he still is) the quintessential ‘ladies man’. I mean, this guy likes women – really, really likes women. Let’s just put it this way: He’s got more girlfriends going at any one time than there are money-grabbing Mat Rempits clamouring all over the PWTC on any given UMNO convention day.

But the curious thing about Buta is that all his girlfriends – how shall I say this? – are rather unsightly. On a scale of ‘1-to-10’ (where 1 is downright ugly and 10 is drop-dead gorgeous), absolutely none of his girlfriends can possibly pass as even a 3! Now you know why we call him Buta.

In any case, my curiosity got the better of me and I cornered him over a few beers at Central Market’s Riverbank pub (as you may have guessed, this happened a long time ago). After three Southern Comforts and an equivalent number of beer chasers, I was confident that he had loosened-up enough for my big question. So I let fly:

“Buta, tell me – why do you go for the ugly ones? Why, Buta? Why?”

Much to my relief, he didn’t smash his beer mug over my thick insensitive head. Instead, he just laughed. When he stopped laughing, he looked at me for a while and started laughing all over again. I began thinking that I was the defective one here. Was there something he knew that I didn’t? It was as if I had missed a very important memo or something.

“You poor sod! You’re simply clueless aren’t you?” There was a twinge of sympathy in his voice that I didn’t at all appreciate. Obviously, he knew something I didn’t. And I was about to get an education I wouldn’t quickly forget.

“Me? Clueless? Hey, I’m the one going out with the gorgeous TV personality (who shall remain nameless) while you’re the one bonking every ugly cow in sight!” I retorted.

“That’s right, my friend. We are making progress here. How can I say this so you can understand?” he mused.

“Go ahead, make my day.” I goaded.

“I go out with the ugly ones for the same reason that TV personality of your goes out with you!”

“Huh?”

I began having visions of merrily smashing my beer mug over his very insensitive thick skull but held back.

“Look, no offence, but the ugly ones treat you better. It’s as simple as that, mate!” he explained. I tried to follow his logic. But when he saw that I still wasn’t getting it, he put it this way:

“I’ve seen you had your heart broken more times than I care to count, man! And who are these women who piss all over you so unceremoniously? They’re the pretty ones, the goddesses, right?” he paused to let it sink in.

Buta then continued his lecture: “Look at me, man! Have you ever seen me get my heart broken? Have you ever seen any of my girlfriends walk all over me? Hate to be the one to tell you this, but if you ever have to choose between performance and beauty, always go for performance! The ugly ones will always perform for you. The pretty ones will only make you jump through hoops for them. And you should be nobody’s show dog, OK?”

“You understand what I’m saying, man?” he asked for effect.

“I guess so.”

“Good man!” he roared as he gave me a hearty but painful pat on my back.

But what does all this have to do with my spanking new Pilot Vanishing Point fountain pen? Everything! Just look at it – it is one ugly pen. It’s stocky, the clip seems to be in the wrong place, and it doesn’t even have a cap (like a conventional fountain pen should). I have no delusions of this pen winning any beauty pageants any time soon.

But the moment I have it in my hands, the yellow lacquer of her firm, generous body caresses my skin like the touch of a ravenous lover thorough soft shiny satin. This is enough to drive me into a frenzy of very passionate activity (writing, of course) that just goes on, and on, and on. And just when you’d think I’d had had enough, the memory of her smooth, compliant 18K gold nib takes me want to take her again and put her through her paces until she has nothing left to give.

I’ve had many prettier pens before. But they’ve always let me down in some way – sometimes in very big ways. In fact, the prettier the pen, the bigger the letdown is likely to be. It’s almost a law of nature.

My Pilot Vanishing Point is no beauty. But it sure performs like a dream. And I reckon she’ll keep me satisfied for a very, very long time.

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “One Ugly Pen: Pilot Vanishing Point

  1. MB, I thought that must be elementary, especially for you, sir.
    Why do you think i managed to be around even after 29 years? Like your Pilot Vanishing point – I am rounder around the middle, no one would want to take it away (unlike my Mont Blanc which I lost at a press conference) and I’d like to think I’ve never let him down. But dont ask him, he might say something else.

    aaah, i am just whiling my time – when your new post popped up – now gotta go back to the kitchen – the curry should be ready by now. The husband is not well, the son is at the street demonstration against the bombings in Gaza and here I am talking nonsence in your blog.
    Enjoy the pen.

    Kak Teh

    It ought to be elementary – but it is not. This is not intuitive stuff to a man. Show a man a vixen, he’ll very willingly disengage his brains (and his pants, too – given half a chance)

    However, I’m sure you never let him down – even though you are very sweet. There are exceptions to the rule, you know… 🙂

  2. MB

    Another sterling piece. I loved the Buta metaphor to the pen 😀

    de minimis

    Thanks.

    And Buta, the person used in the metaphor, is real: He’s alive and still kicking – and now happily living somewhere near Kepong.

  3. O Mat!Buta has made many of us yang bukan category beauty queen so very2 happy.I am sure most men will agree with Buta.
    Then again its up to the person.Muka lawa or tidak bukan the real love barometer kan?Fat or thin,tall or short, choices can be strange yet magical..
    Its really the heart that counts,betul tak Mat

    mamasita

    You are absolutely right, ma’am. Looks don’t (shouldn’t) matter.

    Tapi hak yang lawa-lawa tu lah yang selalu pijak kepala kita org lelaki. But men don’t seem to learn…

  4. I’m already fat, ugly, greying.

    By buta’s logic, I have to go for one of those pecah pintu face the next time I go menggatal.

    Pecah pintu pun pecah la … as long as body body best.

    Bro

    Hey, so am I – fat, ugly and greying, I mean.

    Repeat the mantra: “Performance over Beauty! Performance over Beauty!”

  5. Mr B…sapa TV personality tu???

    Mumsie

    Mana boleh beritahu… lagipun benda tu dah lama berlalu. Biarlah ia berlalu… (EK! drama pula…)

  6. so would you go out on a date with me?

    scout

    Er… this is a hypothetical question, right?

    Geriatrics like me are too dependent on our life support machines to be going out on dates 🙂

  7. MB – first off i hope u & ur beloved PVP will be sharing a long & wonderful life together. also i’d like to take this opportunity to wish u a great year ahead.

    Now my question is, have u ever considered writing a hot, steamy novel? i have this strong suspicion that u’d be getting us all fired up with nary a problem heheheh 😉

    Justiffa

    Happy New Year to you, too. And yes, I am certain my PVP and I will be sharing some pretty passionate moments together… for a very long time to come.

    Me? Write a hot, steamy novel? Tut! Tut! Whatever will my children think? 🙂

  8. Mat B, 41 days in Saudi Arabia.. and coming home to “Buta’ is worth every single day 🙂

    Puteri Kamaliah

    Welcome back, ma’am. I think I speak for all when I say we missed you.

    I didn’t know (until very recently) that you and my sister are actually friends. She’s known as Suzana a.k.a Adek. That name ring any bells?

  9. Mat B, this is most interesting! Please jot my memory a little more because there are a few Suzanas in my mental archive and I can’t seem to tell them apart (except one who is half-Chinese and lives in KL).

    Puteri Kamaliah

    Hmmm… let’s see, you probably know her to be from Ipoh, she is quite acquainted about how you and your hubby met, and you seem to have had one or two good times together. Can’t go further than that without raising a few eye-brows 😉

    Any bells yet?

  10. It’s all about love or lust. For me it had to connect mentally first & foremost before we can connect physically with passion. However after 3 Southern Comfort with chasers, I suppose everything goes, mud wrestling oso can lah!

    Cheers, Uncle Tommy
    PS – Have u seen Tony Leung’s Love & Caution?
    Get the director’s cut version.

    Tommy Yew

    Ha! Ha! Ha! Mud-wrestling would have been great!

    Frankly, at first sight, the Pilot Vanishing Point didn’t connect with me at all! But now that I know how it performs, it rates as one of the best pens – ever!

    OK, I’m off to get locate a copy of Love and Caution (director’s cut). Thanks for visiting, Tommy!

  11. Hi MB

    Another splendid piece. Love the metaphor which makes me feel good. It justifies some things I never understood when I was younger. 🙂
    As Mamasita said “Buta has made many of us yang bukan category beauty queen so very2 happy.”

    As ugly as you think that pen looks, I like the colour. It’s yellow – one of my favourites. And if it writes well (as you say it does), it is a winner for me – body and performance. 🙂

    JT

    The VP is a superlative pen in every detail – except maybe in the looks department. But I ain’t complaining -it serves me real well.

    So here it is again people: “Ugly is the new gorgeous!”

  12. Hi MB,

    I beg to differ.

    Looking at your spanking new Pilot Vanishing Point fountain pen, happens to be quite a thing of beauty…ha ha! Oooo that warm yellow, the firm generous body, …ala ala..if it were to be a lady, why..it can only be Marilyn Monroe!

    There… beauty is subjective, right?

    rubyahmad

    You’re one of the few people who think the VP is attractive.

    Bout you are right: if it were a person, the yellow VP would be Marilyn Monroe! What a wonderful way of looking at it!

  13. Mat-san,

    Hello aain.What a metaphorical linkage, a pen and a woman,but how apt!Reminds me of what my more randy pals ,those Bangkok/Medan-Jakarta -frequent-traveller type if you know what I mean, used to tell me….if you `re deliberating over which girls to go for over there, go for the 3 and below(on a scale of 10) category.Chances are they`re better, `cos they are hardly chosen by those who frequent such places.

    Digressing a little, heard this gem of a joke by this famous entertainer at a charity dinner last weekend and would like to pass it on, at bthe risk of breaching the copyright act …”They say men in Malaysia are very naughty.50% of husbands cheat on their wives in Malaysia, while the other 50% cheat in Thailand, Singapore and Indonesia”(Ha!Ha!)The whole Ballroom roared with laughter, men and women alike, including my better half.

    Cheers!

    Higashi-san

    Thank you. I hope people enjoyed reading this post as much as I enjoyed writing it.

    Yes, sir! The ‘Randy Ones’ know of what they speak. This is their most revered commandment: “Thou shall not choose the pretty ones!”

    Good quip about the cheating husbands. I enjoyed that. Funnily enough, if one were to substitute the word ‘husbands’ for ‘wives’ in that joke, it will still be as accurate, just as funny – but a hundred times more ominous!

  14. Mat-san,

    Those last 3-lines of your last para in your response to my comment.My friend…you`re treading in very dangerous waters there!.Elviza will come charging here again, soon enough, I can bet you, together with the usual horde of your highly emancipated commentators from the fairer sex.

    Look out, my friend& get that PVP ready to thwart off the ensuing thrusts!

    Higashi-san

    That’s right, my friend! I like living dangerously – can’t help myself…

  15. talk about a pen in the hand of a masterwriter… lucky “ugly” PVP! 😉

    p.s. i am however with rubyahmad here about beauty being in the eye of the buta-holder. i’m no fountainpen connoisseur of course, but the rubenesque PVP doesn’t look so bad to me either.

    mekyam

    Come to think of it, the PVP isn’t really that ugly; it is, however, kind of odd-looking, though.

    But it does write like a dream. Blow USD130 (or so) on the PVP and carry around a portable writing orgasmatron with you! 🙂

  16. mb, you don’t say!!

    does the wotsit vibrate? how many speeds?

    p.s. sori, terpanggil pulak mengutarakan soalan yg kaler macam kebiru2an gitew… maklumlah baru datang dari menyedut kegeligaan penulisan piahzadora. 😀

    mekyam

    The speed depends on how fast your hands can go, ma’am. Of course, we are talking about writing speed and writing bliss, right?

    😀

  17. Great post, very humorous! I must admit, having also used the Pilot Vanishing Point and you are right – butt ugly but feels strangely good to write with.

    And what is it with the clip??

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s