Strange Search Terms

torp1

Yesterday I flushed, cleaned and polished my fountain pens (all 24 of them) and was stumped as to what to do next. There wasn’t a book in the house that I hadn’t read, and a game of chess (with myself, again) would only go down the all-too-familiar Sicilan Defence (Sozin variation) path.

So, I decided to fiddle around with my WordPress dashboard.

A curious heading caught my eye: Search Engine Terms. According to WordPress, search engine terms are terms that people used to find my blog. OK, we’re on the same page; I know what that means. My appetite for trivia appropriately piqued, I looked-up search terms that people used to find my blog.

A few of these terms – like ‘Mat Bangkai’, ‘Bangkai’ and even ‘Scones’ – were quite expected; no raised eyebrows there. However, some other terms found me oscillating between incredulity and bouts of hysterical laughter that probably drove my neighbours to consider calling either the police or the lunatic asylum. Fortunately, I am glad that they didn’t.

Some of the milder search terms I discovered were:

  • Susan Sarandon breast
  • Nigella Lawson breast
  • Diana Rigg breast
  • Barbara Eden breast
  • Pam Dauber breast

To be candid, I have no idea – and I am even slightly amused – that such search terms would point the searcher in the direction of my blog. Though in my younger and more impressionable days I had often been accused of being the tit-maniac from hell, this was ridiculous! Then again, which red-blooded man doesn’t like a nice pair, eh?

Then, I found one that was even more baffling:

  • Torpedo breasts

What exactly on God’s green earth are ‘torpedo breasts’! Now that my curiosity has been aroused, I cannot stop thinking about what these might be. Are they the result of some crazy experiment gone wrong where torpedoes had somehow acquired the ability to grow breasts? Or that – and this is more likely – the term alluded to breasts shaped like torpedoes? If so, I would imagine that they are quite hideous to look at. Why then would anybody want to run an Internet search for them? I would highly appreciate any help anybody can give me on this.

Then there were the less flattering ones. These included search terms like:

  • Orang tua gatal (dirty old man)
  • Orang tua gila seks (geriatric sex maniac)
  • Kaki sek (sex mad)
  • Very old cock

Where did all that come from! And why did these terms point to my blog? With repeated testosterone tests returning the unbelievable count of zero, I am plainly your everyday, garden-variety, harmless old man: probably as harmless as that pussy (cat) snuggling-up against your ankle. I am hardly going to give Shukeri Hashim a run for his money in the Orang Tua Gatal sweepstakes – even if I wanted to. Then again, I know of several (dozen?) people who will violently disagree with me on this. But that – as I am always fond of saying – is something better left for another posting.

There were also several pretty strange ones, too. Do check these out:

  • Stewardess sexuality
  • Cruel women
  • Women squeezing men’s balls
  • Does tea make my cock bigger

I am speechless! This just confirms my suspicion that there are plenty of weirdoes out there; it’s either that or perfectly sane people with Internet access are fixated on seeking out the weirdoes among us. The mind boggles!

But the one that takes the biscuit is this little gem that I found nestled among the hundred or so search terms listed in my WordPress dashboard. Take a load of this:

  • May your balls drop off

I sincerely hope that this is just an innocent search term: not a fate that someone out there is wishing would happen to me.

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25 thoughts on “Strange Search Terms

  1. MT, though mine pales in comparison, they have been some shocking ones like sunathronem which i discovered had something to do with the snipping of certains anatomy belonging to the male, which brings me to the other word which frequently makes an appearance – the male genetalia but expressed in a cruder term – like ‘potong k.n.k”. Tried to think why such words would find their way to my blog – then i remembered an entry on circumcision.
    Then, there are more mundane ones like kak teh tempeh, sardine rolls and once in a while, wan zaleha radzi…?

    Kak Teh

    Sunathromen? Really? At first I thought it sounded very much like an Indian name. I learnt a new word today. Thanks!

    And Wan Zaleha Radzi? Now that dredged up some pretty good memories for me 😉

  2. Dear Sir,

    I had such a good laugh reading your post, esp. on the torpedo breast. Immediately i googled the words and yes, you were right, it means breasts that look like torpedo…funny I’ve never heard of this term before (must be hiding in my cave all these while)…

    Soraya

    No, ma’am: I had never heard of the term before this either!

    Glad you enjoyed this posting.

  3. MT, actually, it is sunatrone, the m was a slip of the finger.My typing is getting worse. I knew the mention of wan zaleha wld have a serious effect on your knees.

    Kak Teh

    Uh? Where was I… 🙂

  4. Mat

    I badly need this dose after watching the results of the voting at the UMNO Ass em beli a while ago.

    Could torpedo breasts be those that explode on huge attack cruisers?

    Talk less about your age and you can avoid the less flattering search engine terms. And avoid me being dragged into those categories by association.

    Thanks for the timely posting old chap. It clears my mind of the images of corruption a little.

    Dry Humour

    This is all your fault, sir: for the next few weeks I shall be walking around with the deliciously funny picture of a pair of misshapen breasts exploding gloriously upon impact with an ill-fated attack cruiser indelibly imprinted in my mind!

    You really know how to make a man happy 🙂

  5. Mat-san,

    Seriously, you`re infatuated with Wan Zaleha Radzi?Would that be for the looks, for the intonation of her spoken English, or for her equestrian skills?

    Meantime, man`s preoccupation thorugh the ages with the mammary glands is well documented, and it supports(no pun intended) a multi-billion fashion & beauty industry and of course a particular field of the medical industry, intended to enhance those God-given pairings and of course to give fresh hope to those originally equipped with slightly less-flattering appendages to begin with.

    I`m still left wondering if it still holds true that the superiority of the IQ of a woman is inversely proportional to the size of that particular part of her anatomy.

    But torpedo breasts?Frankly, am not even sure what that describes.But,for some peculiar reason, it gets me thinking of “soup torpedo”(though in all honesty, I`ve never tried this dish..am no soup mamak fan,btw..am steering clear of all that fat skimming at the top).

    Cheers!

    Higashi-san

    Like 98% of the Malaysian male population past the age of puberty, I too, was infatuated with Wan Zaleha. It must have been because of her mind (yeah, sure!) 🙂

    In any case, my understand of torpedo breasts has not improved. My best guess is that they are of the type that have sagged and are now drooping down to the proximity of the owner’s navel.

    And I think I will have to explore mammary glands in a much wider spectrum of volunteers before I can definitively establish the relationship between their size and and their owner’s intelligence. (yes, any excuse will do!) 🙂

  6. a friend does regular house-keeping of her blog, and her discovery and analysis of key search words that led unsuspecting strangers / sickos to her blog is .. well … hilarious, to say the very least.

    her blog is http://leen-ashburn.blogspot.com

    the-plague

    I should have done this sooner: no telling what other treasures I would have unearthed.

  7. Hey Matt,

    Being a SNAG, I’ve got a feeling u r directing all these ‘less flattering orang tua terms’at me. OK, I confessed ‘Guilty as insinuated’, no contest. Am I overly sensitive? Even Puteri once equates my behaviour like anjing jantan ‘kencing kat tiang & bonking all bitches’.

    Side track to politics a bit if u don’t mind. I’m glad KJ won as I’ve got a good feeling about him. If I dare says he’ll go on to be PM before his 40th, I’m sure lots of people would disagree with me. Let me relate; My pak imam told me a long time ago that every human got 2 cycles in life i.e Good & Bad; so somehow he said he’s happy that myself & my gang were nakal (as opposed to jahat) when we r young, and that we’ll turn around to be good in our later years. How very true it turns out to be. Yes, those goody two shoes from our younger days are really despicable now, really shocking, maybe to catch up on what they missed out. Oh btw, I’m really Chinese growing up in a closed knit kampong, so I do get a fair bit of life education from the neighbourhood imam. Hmmm I think I’d just gone into the 3rd cycle, second childhood!

    Yes, u can say that again, there are too many weirdoes around.

    Tommy
    P/S – Hey was that Pam Dawber (Mindy Nanoo2). Gee that’s the girl I really had a crush on! Ok I’ll go search on her breast as you suggested…..hehe…

    Tommy

    I tried that search, Tommy: no joy 😦

    About KJ, I don’t now how good or how bad he is; and I don’t particularly care: I just don’t like his face. In any case, I am happy for my friend Sakmongkol that KJ won.

  8. A torpedo is a maillot with no sides or waistband. It’s most typical manifestation a very deep V-front that may be bare naveled, with narrow sides, a tangaed behind, and straps that might wide enough to cover the breast (KA93F5-G5), or nothing more than strings. It basic modus is brevity, and it excels at displaying cleavage, buttage, and the inguinal. A torpedo is essentially a loop of fabric that passés through the crotch, up the back where it parts for the neck, crosses the shoulders, and down the front again over the breasts.

    Pls do not ridicule the science of covering what most males would want opporunities to uncover.

    Jungstein

    Huh? Sounds delicious, tho.

  9. are we back to ur “news of the world” genre?this little nugget is perking me more than my breast…

    its great to know that the search function has the artificial intelligence beyond pure word matching but goes into the deepest recesses of the blogger’s mind..abang kai…the search is reading ur mind.isn’t that frightening?

    Robina

    Scary, eh? Time now to hide under a rock.

  10. Bro, this A.I. function in wordpress oso got in blogspot ah? How it work aah?

    Me not so clever leh. Teach a bit laa..oso want to learn;)

    dak ah bau

    I don’t know about blogspot lah: I’m on wordpress!

    But where got AI on wordpress? Got ah?

  11. Given the awe-inspiring ability of Google to pick words/phrases totally out of context, I’m pretty sure that your blog would be up in the high lights again in no time when googlers start googling for “pussy …. snuggling-up against your ankle” *chuckles*

    Andrea

    Oh, dear!

  12. Talking about Wan Zaleha Radzi and torpedo. A recollection.

    This is a true story. I swear (or the politically correct term is muquabalah, I think).

    A friend of mind, then a very senior lecturer at FKKSA UTM, Jalan Gurney (Semarak) then, told me that whenver TV3 news was on, he would wear his kain pelikat and watch the news. I asked why. He said that it has something to do with his torpedo being a restless.

    Damn! He’s a geologist, an expert in “batu”.

    MRSM Kalae Chepo 66/73

    Mat Reset

    Yeah, I also know a guy who did that, too! And he wasn’t interested in the news whenever he watched Berita TV3 either.

    MRSM Kalae Chepo 66/73. You mean yo enrolled in 66 and did your MCE in 73? Or you enrolled in 73?

  13. Salam Mat,
    You made my day, especially after getting the results of UMNO’s elections… money sure talks louder than anything… I bet louder than even torpedoes (breast or otherwise!).

    Dhahran Sea

    I am glad you were entertained, my friend.

  14. Uncle Boe,

    Do you think there’s lot of mad people on our streets?

    I am afraid!!I cannot go ride my motorcycle.

    brooommmm…..brooommm

    Adam

    Aren’t you a bit too young to be riding a motorcycle?

  15. I wonder what word-strings would come out, if I put something like this in my blog?

    “I’m sorry mam.. looks like this pussy-looking wound is getting worse. We need to poke it and let the fluid out”

    (I don’t wanna know)

    tranquility

    Whoa! That’ll get the weirdos to come out of hiding by the millions, my friend!

  16. Hi MB I am new here..

    I had a good laugh reading your post. So far I have never came across any strange terms directing to my blog. Only that I am just curious to know why am I being googled late at night, almost everyday. Don’t tell me there are people out there who read my blog as bed time story..perasan! Hahhaha..

    Have a pleasant weekend ahead, sir.

    chalkntalk

    I am glad you enjoyed my posting, ma’am. Thank you

    You’re just being modest. It should come as no surprise that people actually google you to read your blog (as bed-time stories or otherwise). You, ma’am, are an excellent read.

  17. Oh dear, sir..please don’t go to chalkntalk, as that’s for my students..you may find me at The Scent…tq

    Ida

    I shall look you up at The Scent then, ma’am.

    Hmmm… I wanted to be an English teacher when I was 17; I still do, actually.

    But alas, I’m not smart enough.

  18. Just wondering AbgKai, are you continuing with your lesson on comma’s? It’s about due, you know.

    Zendra

    Yes, ma’am. I am continuing with the punctuation notes thinggy. It’s on hold at the moment because because I’m quite tied-up with putting the finishing touches to my entry for the MPH-Alliance Bank National Short Story Competition.

    In a week or two – insyallah – I’ll have the next instalment on commas up.

  19. Dear MB,

    How are you? Last night someone landed on my blog when searching for “the scent of a woman rotten”..spooky, huh?

    Ida

    That’s terrible! But I don’t think you ought to take it personally: the search engine – I think – was just extrapolating on the string ‘the scent of a woman’.

    I’m fine, ma’am. Thank you or visiting.

  20. Mat

    When they say may your balls drop off, they mean well. In times of indecision, nobody can say you have no balls.

    During political party elections, they say if you don’t vote for me I’ll squeeze your balls.

    In the Emperor’s palaces of ancient China, they simply cut the eunuchs’ balls. And the rods as well. To prevent explosions of concubinal torpedo breasts and all.

    I’m enjoying your posting – what a ball.

    Cheers my dear fellow.

  21. Bro Mat B

    A most TITI-llating post. Some of us used to call a girl by the name of Julie, “torpedo breasts”, because her mammaries appeared to be gravity-defying. So, I must confess that I am familiar with that term. It may even have been coined by my erstwhile buddies and I in the early 80s. But, that would be too presumptuous of me.

    de minimis

    Would you, by any chance, still happen to have Julie’s number? *evil grin*

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