Strange Search Terms

Yesterday I flushed, cleaned and polished my fountain pens (all 24 of them) and was stumped as to what to do next. There wasn’t a book in the house that I hadn’t read, and a game of chess (with myself, again) would only go down the all-too-familiar Sicilan Defence (Sozin variation) path.

So, I decided to fiddle around with my WordPress dashboard.

A curious heading caught my eye: Search Engine Terms. According to WordPress, search engine terms are terms that people used to find my blog. OK, we’re on the same page; I know what that means. My appetite for trivia appropriately piqued, I looked-up search terms that people used to find my blog.

A few of these terms – like ‘Mat Bangkai’, ‘Bangkai’ and even ‘Scones’ – were quite expected; no raised eyebrows there. However, some other terms found me oscillating between incredulity and bouts of hysterical laughter that probably drove my neighbours to consider calling either the police or the lunatic asylum. Fortunately, I am glad that they didn’t.

Some of the milder search terms I discovered were:

• Susan Sarandon breast
• Nigella Lawson breast
• Diana Rigg breast
• Barbara Eden breast
• Pam Dauber breast

To be candid, I have no idea – and I am even slightly amused – that such search terms would point the searcher in the direction of my blog. Though in my younger and more impressionable days I had often been accused of being the tit-maniac from hell, this was ridiculous! Then again, which red-blooded man doesn’t like a nice pair, eh?

Then, I found one that was even more baffling:

• Torpedo breasts

What exactly on God’s green earth are ‘torpedo breasts’! Now that my curiosity has been aroused, I cannot stop thinking about what these might be. Are they the result of some crazy experiment gone wrong where torpedoes had somehow acquired the ability to grow breasts? Or that – and this is more likely – the term alluded to breasts shaped like torpedoes? If so, I would imagine that they are quite hideous to look at. Why then would anybody want to run an Internet search for them? I would highly appreciate any help anybody can give me on this.

Then there were the less flattering ones. These included search terms like:

• Orang tua gatal (dirty old man)
• Orang tua gila seks (geriatric sex maniac)
• Kaki sek (sex mad)
• Very old cock

Where did all that come from! And why did these terms point to my blog? With repeated testosterone tests returning the unbelievable count of zero, I am plainly your everyday, garden-variety, harmless old man: probably as harmless as that pussy (cat) snuggling-up against your ankle. I am hardly going to give Shukeri Hashim a run for his money in the Orang Tua Gatal sweepstakes – even if I wanted to. Then again, I know of several (dozen?) people who will violently disagree with me on this. But that – as I am always fond of saying – is something better left for another posting.

There were also several pretty strange ones, too. Do check these out:

• Stewardess sexuality
• Cruel women
• Women squeezing men’s balls
• Does tea make my cock bigger

I am speechless! This just confirms my suspicion that there are plenty of weirdoes out there; it’s either that or perfectly sane people with Internet access are fixated on seeking out the weirdoes among us. The mind boggles!

But the one that takes the biscuit is this little gem that I found nestled among the hundred or so search terms listed in my WordPress dashboard. Take a load of this:

• May your balls drop off

I sincerely hope that this is just an innocent search term: not a fate that someone out there is wishing would happen to me.