Please Hear Us Out

misandry

Over the years, I have more or less surmised that the problem with man-woman relationships is that the woman component (when it suits her) expects the man component to think and behave as if he were a woman. Any deviation from this paradigm brings about accusations of gross insensitivity, brute-force male-chauvinism and–the worse of the lot–cries of “You don’t love me anymore!”

Frankly, none of the above should apply (or even be considered in the first place). It’s simply a case of differing DNA: men don’t think (or act) like women–no matter how much you would like them to. This failing–if one can even call it that–is not a crime; it should never be treated as one. Millions of years of evolutionary and/or cellular development have made us different from each other; and chances are we will remain so till the universe collapses into a singularity.

I’ve struggled for a long time to find the words to express this idea; I have always failed. Then today, I receive an e-mail from my sister that sums it all up pretty well. I think it’s one of those things that have been circulating in the Internet for yonks. Regardless, it is so succinct, so insightful and so accurate that I’d like to share it here.

So here it is:

TO MY OTHER HALF

We always hear ‘the rules ‘ from the female side, now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note. These are all numbered ‘1 ‘ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon, or the changing of the tides: let it be. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail! It won’t work anymore.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work, strong hints do not work and obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. We are not your girlfriends! We do not express sympathy very well–at least, not how you understand it.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways–and one of the ways makes you sad or angry–we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or, tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say WHATEVER you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors: like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing’, we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine: Really!

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cricket, golf or fountain pens. [Note: The last item–fountain pens–was my own addition]

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Thank you for reading this.

So there you have it, folks!

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18 thoughts on “Please Hear Us Out

  1. Ah, this is so lame.

    We, women, are prepared to agree to whatever distorted numbering of arguments above.

    BUT (how do I enlarge the font in this comment section? I don’t know, so please use the biggest ok?):

    No, we never have enough clothes. Get it?

    And what are you? An idiot? Of course we don’t have too many shoes!

    For your self- enlightenment: shoes and handbag change every season. Hence we have summer red, yellow spring and grey winter (helllloooo!).

    And there are reasons why people like Tom Ford and Vera Wang are born to this world: To design clothes and handbags.

    There are perfectly good reasons too why you should be able to distinguish colours and tones: because they are easy.

    Everybody needs direction and hence the birth of GPS.

    I’d leave the golf alone.

    Why am I wasting my time? Beats me.

    Elviza

    Aha! Your response illustrates my point exactly πŸ™‚

    Thanks!

  2. Salam MB,

    Now, don’t you come running to me should your other half read this. Still, I’m taking precaution and flying out of town for 2 whole weeks (yeah, sure! Like I can do that).

    Cakapaje

    I’m getting bolder in my old age, eh?

  3. I got no issues with men even though they only count to “1”.

    When eventually they discover fingers, they can’t get past “11”. Still ok by me. πŸ˜€

    Zendra

    Yes, ma’am. The reason we can’t count past one is because we are not using our fingers: we are using another appendage πŸ˜‰

  4. “Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.”

    hmmmm….ekkkk.

    Apa hal ni mamak?

    Pak Tuo

    Dunno. Must ask the author of the document I got.

  5. Dear MB,

    This is how a man should behave, hey, stick to being a man and I’ll do my best being a woman..no sweat!

    I used to complain too much about my man. I used to think he was insensitive, cold bla..bla..Then, on one fine day, I realised how my man was just being himself. I am not sure if you guys read the same old textbook on being a man, but I think you man folk should just stick to being who you are.

    Why bother fretting about how a man should behave. Man can be analysed, so their behaviour is kinda predictable, but a woman is special, she must be adored..:)

    Leave him be, if he is happy and contented, he’ll behave..

    Ida

    I couldn’t agree more. I know we don’t behave the way women would like us to. But by being ourselves, civilisation is not to crumble because of it–even if we can’t tell the difference between a Bata and a Jimmy Choo. Most women can’t tell the difference between a Fender Telecaster and a Gibson ES 335. But we don’t hold this against them.

    That’s right: if he is happy and contented, he’ll behave! Men are easy that way.

  6. Mat

    I’ve nothing to say about men-women issues. Germaine Greer and her group were burning bras at one time; several women have been running countries since then. Yet they want more.

    I have a simple philosophy: just give them what they want and you get to do the things you want. Only that we want the same things most of the time.

    God is great creating mankind with differing wants, likes and dislikes, making the world tick and click. But these produce all sorts of problems for you and me!

    Why not take the stand I’m the boss, whatever she says, goes? Then go out and enjoy yourself. (My auntie would not speak to me again, I think!).

    Enjoy the lazy Saturday afternoon, man.

    Dry Humour

    I like that: I’m the boss, whatever she says, goes.

    Peace is a thing worth making concession for!

  7. Dear Sir,

    Sometimes it’s true what’s being said about men and women. It’s tough understanding each other.

    My way to treat men is easy. If they’re nice to you, you be nice to them. If they’re nasty, just go out with your girlfriends and shop their money away.

    Simple, right? That’s why men need a lot of money, to make their lives peaceful.

    Soraya

    This is why they don’t call it money anymore. These days, I believe they call it ‘shut-up money’!

  8. Hai MB.
    Just curious..what is your other half’s reaction after reading the email list?
    For me, the list is kacang..none that is difficult to abide! Why didn’t you men say so siang2?? hehe

    mamasita

    Her reaction? Oh, nothing hostile, I should think. She’ll probably know this was done in good humour.

  9. Bro, bro. bro…

    I ABSOLUTELY WET MYSELF reading this blog… Couldn’t thank your sister enough for being sooo… understanding…

    Mat Kjenk

    Thanks for visiting, man! We must catch-up soon, OK?

  10. The clothes & the shoes hurt the most.

    To men who think women have enough clothes & shoes…. that’s why you are not as rich as the like of Jimmy Choo & Zang Toi . Not that we women can afford their each time limited editions on the shelves. But they oh so understand women, and capitalise on it. THEY VALUE THE DIFFERENCES!

    You guys can continue cry & weep on seeing your bank book balance la like this….. hehehe

    ibu

    Hmm… there’s something here I should explore…

    Thanks

  11. Mat-san,

    On the same note, received the following in an email the other day.It`s definitely in sync with
    the subject of your sis`s email:-

    Subject: 5-Important Rules For A Man To Follow A Happy Life

    1)It` important to have a woman, who helps at home,who cooks from time to time, clean-up and has a job.

    2)It`s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

    3)It`s important to have a woman, who you can trust, and also doesn`t lie to you.

    4)It`s important to have a woman, who is good in bed, and also likes to be with you.

    5)It`s very,very important that these 4-women do not know each other.

    Mat-san…on hindsight,the revelation of the day for me is that the root to all matrimonial unhappiness today is man`s inherent stupidity in believing, and hoping against hope, that the one at home is capable of complying with the above Rules Nos 1-4!And to blatantly ignore Rule No.5.

    (And I`m going to be slaughtered here for saying this!) He! He!

    Cheers!

    Higashi-san

    ROTFLOL!

    They say the immigration law of Iceland is quite liberal; we could hide out there!

  12. *laughs* This is like a deathwish, dude. Better than waving a red flag in front of a charging bull.

    Andrea

    Yeah, I know. If it weren’t made in jest, it would be absolutely suicidal!

    Have a good day, ma’am

  13. mat b,

    this man-woman war has been going on since the almighty took a bone from adam’s ribs.

    but i relish the differences rather than take issue. why would i want to live with another cranky smelly 60 year old who’s selfish about his music collection and other bad habits i wouldn’t wish in another human being?

    like i keep telling my children, i’m the boss in this house but you better ask your mother’s permission first.

    kassim ahmad

    Good strategy, sir. I’ll be adopting the same soon, too!

  14. Although I agree with you on many of these points, the same can go for guys. For example:

    1. Women are NOT maids – we do not cook, clean, or cater to your every need. Guy’s can’t “pay enough” for this and your “lovin” is not a form of acceptable currency

    1. We get cranky during our periods. It’s like a full moon, and the turning of the tides, we will get cranky, biotchy, and unreasonable; deal with it

    1. Women have as many shoes as men have videogames

    1. Don’t ask us if we thought your touchdown score, your homerun hit, etc. was awesome, it’s really not that impressive

    etc. Let’s all play fair.

    pillowchats

    Yay! That’s the spirit. As the cliche goes: What’s good enough for the goose is good enough for the gander.

  15. Ya lor Matt, why so lame?

    Marriage has its good side. It teaches you loyalty, forebearance, self-restraint, and many other qualities you wouldn’t need if you had stayed single.

    Cheers,
    Tommy

    Tommy

    I have nothing against the institution of marriage. It is the little inequities that crop up every once in a while that sometimes needs addressing. Occasionally – and I say this to avoid generalising – we find some women demanding that we accept their idiosyncrasies (or as pillowchat pointed out: “Deal with it!”). No ifs and or buts.

    No problem.

    But can you imagine what would happen if we turned the tables and declared a cold, heartless “Deal with it!” to these very same women when they find some of our idiosyncrasies irksome?

    As I said, what is good enough for the goose should also be good enough for the gander.

  16. Err..Kassim,

    I love spare ribs – Chilli’s.

    Would you rather care for a 16 year old who’s not selfish about HIS music collection instead of a 60 year old cranky smelly humsub?

    Either way, cheers yeah;)

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